Saturday, November 06, 2004


John F. Kennedy on being a liberal; it's not something to be ashamed of.

What do our opponents mean when they apply to us the label "Liberal?" If by "Liberal" they mean, as they want people to believe, someone who is soft in his policies abroad, who is against local government, and who is unconcerned with the taxpayer's dollar, then the record of this party and its members demonstrate that we are not that kind of "Liberal." But if by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."

From Oliver Willis.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Concession Stand

Via The Poor Man, Adam Felber (of Fanatical Apathy) concedes the election. Like the Kucinich campaign, it's long but hilarious.

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.


Now, now. Credit where it's due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.

[Cheers, applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008.

[Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Do I smell championship?

Even before it was over, Antawn Jamison and Juan Dixon were limping around the court, trying to relieve aching muscles stretched to the limit.

But the pain they felt in their cramping calves was eased by the fact the Wizards opened the season with a 103-91 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies even though they had only eight players available.

Luckily, my wedding is scheduled a month before the NBA Finals, so I'll already know my ring size.


Zero Hour II or Fuck Bush All Over Again

There was never any time for pity, and the moment for anger has passed. Now is about starting again and building something better. Something more powerful. In just two years, grassroots Democrats were able to construct a media noise machine that rivaled -- and nearly defeated -- it's corporate-funded Republican counterpart (which had the added benefit of a thirty-year head start.) In the days to come, we will learn how to better grow and employ this machine, so that in 2006, all you hear are the sweet sounds of (capital D) Democracy.

For me, that means getting more involved, especially on a local level. Running this blog (essentially for friends and family) and campaigning on my own for Kerry was clearly not enough. I could, and should have, done more. That mistake will never happen again.

Right now, the bulletin boards at Daily Kos are abuzz with talk of how we are going to grow this son of a bitch into a monster so big that it can never be destroyed. (Kind of like Mecha-Godzilla.)

That's where I need to be.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Fuck Bush

I started getting a bad feeling about this election around ten o'clock last night. Turns out I was right.

I don't know where America will go over the next four years, but I do know that this blog and my personal disposition are headed in a much angrier direction. As I said before: Fuck Bush. And fuck the rednecks and the elitist, racist middle/upper class whites that make up his supporters. Can we somehow merge the east and west coasts (and the upper midwest) together, and let the ignorant primates have their treasured "Heartland"? Personally, I don't want to live in a land where
war is considered "kewl" (cause it shows how "tuff" you are), gay people are considered scary, and God is considered policy consultant.

Today, like
yesterday, we look to the good book for support, inspiration, and words of wisdom for dealing with these racist, homophobic pig-fuckers.

"Can you see it? Feels to me like it's written all over my face. I've lain awake nights planning it, picturing it. Endless nights, considering every possible method, treasuring each imaginary moment. From the beginning I knew that there's nothing wrong with you that I can't fix with my hands."

Get your Union gun. This is life in war time.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Zero Hour

This is it. And for words of inspiration, who better to turn to than
The Dark Knight?

You've always known just what to say: "Yes." You always say "yes" to anyone with a badge -- or a flag... It's way past time you learned what it means to be a man.

Can you hear us chimp? We're coming for you.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Get Over It

David Neiwert at Orcinus has a few words about this NY Times article which states that 45% of the country does not believe that Bush was legitimately elected (up 5% from 2000.)

It's remarkable, really, to have a president serving under those conditions. It's even more remarkable for the fact to have gone largely ignored by the press and the punditry for nearly four years.

Obviously, when you live on Mount Beltway, it's easy to countenance the degradation of basic democratic institutions. But fortunately, there remains a large chunk of the citizenry that isn't buying their mountainous heavings of bourgeois bullshit.

Get over it? We're about to.


Big Shot

"Has anyone seen
my forehead?"

A things fall apart reader, (okay my brother) notes in
this post that I may have overlooked the real hero in Maryland's Saturday victory over Florida State.

Ergo, with apologies to the Statham family, we run this belated tribute. Create your own scenarios, but I like to imagine Joel "Big Shot" Statham serenading a teary-eyed Chris Rix (who just had to stick his two cents in on Saturday) right after the game's conclusion.

Well, it's no big sin to stick your two cents in
If you know when to leave it alone
But you went over the line
You couldn't see it was time to go home
No, no, no, no, no, no, you had to be a big shot, didn't you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
So much fun to be around
You had to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night

*sniff sniff* "I had to be a big shot, didn't I?"


Blogger Sucks (Kind Of)

Due to increased traffic (I think something's happening tommorow, but I don't know what) Blogger is having issues again. Please bear with us.


Sunday, October 31, 2004

Happy Halloween


Walking The Line
with Dr. Victor Von Doom

"Learn well of Doom and his lands, for the world will soon fall before them."

Triumphantly, Doom strides down from a top
a mountain of perfection to bless his faithful readers with another week of greatness.

Much the same way Doom finds it impossible that the infernal Reed Richards could rival the intelligence of Doom, Doom also finds it impossible that the hapless Buffalo Bills could be favored by four points against a Pee-Wee League football team, let alone the Arizona Cardinals. Doom likes the Cardinals with the points.

Once, Doom was beaten within inches of his life when he attempted to capture
The Incredible Hulk for the purpose of extracting the monstrous beast's DNA and creating an evil Doom-Hulk. After peeling himself off the pavement, Doom swore revenge; similar to the way the Falcons swore revenge after their awful loss to the Chiefs last week. Take Atlanta with the points. (Incidentally, Doom claimed sweet revenge against the Hulk not a month later by hitting the beast over the head with a tanker truck full of sulfuric acid.)

As a young king, Doom displayed a profricence for flogging disloyal servants well beyond his years; as a young starting quarterback, Ben Rothlisberger has displayed the same kind of proficiency, albeit in completing passes to his wide receivers. Doom likes the Steelers to end the streak.