Saturday, July 24, 2004

Neocon VS. Decepticon (Special Mega-Sized Karl "Chaos Bringer" Rove Edition)
Poseidon himself hath strode upon the beach this morn and left for us a gift so glorious, ordinary man cannot but gaze upon and admire its beauty, never touching, lest he be reduced to smoldering mounds of ash.
The following is a (mostly) weekly feature which pits the leaders of Washington's "new conservative" movement against Cybertron's most feared villains. Remember: Your vote matters! 

Name: Karl Rove
Title: Assistant to the President and Senior Advisor to the President 
Transforms Into A Massive Cannon (And Used To Be Megatron, But Now Isn't): No -- and Rove continues to insist that the F-18, which carried President Bush to the USS Lincoln in May of 2003, was not him in robot form, but was, in fact, Starscream.

Defining Moment: Too numerous to mention; however, we present to you these feats three:   
1) In 1970, he sneaked into the campaign office of Illinois Democrat Alan Dixon and stole some letterhead. He printed fliers on the letterhead promising "free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing" and distributed the fliers at rock concerts and homeless shelters. Admitting to the incident much later, Rove said, "I was nineteen and I got involved in a political prank."
2) In early 2000, during the Republican primary, Senator John McCain led George W. Bush in the race for the Republican presidential nomination and won several state primaries. A whisper campaign was allegedly launched against McCain: telemarketers were allegedly hired to call voters in South Carolina, claiming that McCain was mentally unstable due to torture he had endured as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, and that he had fathered an illegitimate child with a black woman. These allegations had no basis in fact. A reporter, Wayne Slater, suggested in print that Rove might be behind the whisper campaign. Rove denied any involvement. McCain's support subsequently dwindled, and Bush won the nomination. (There were other factors in that primary contest as well, including a long exchange of negative television advertisements between the two candidates.)
3) Has been given the pet name"turd blossom," by George W. Bush.
Famous Quote:  "We will fuck him. Do you hear me? We will fuck him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever fucked him [emphasis in original text]!"

Name: Galvatron

Title: Decepticon Leader

Transforms Into A Massive Cannon (And Used To Be Megatron, But Now Isn't): Indeed
Defining Moment: Galvatron regained control of the Decepticons after incinerating interim-leader Starscream.

Famous Quote: "First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, now you.  It's a pity you Autobots die so easy, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now."  

Collect them all! Trade with your friends!
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Elliot Abrams
David Frum
John Ashcroft
Scooter Libby
R. James Woolsey
Newt Gingrich