Saturday, July 24, 2004

You Say Jacuzzi Case, I Say Disembowelment II
Via Hunter from Daily Kos, a handy list of every time CNN (remember, they're the "Clinton News Network," the heart of the liberal media) commentator Tucker Carlson referred to the disembowelment of a five-year-old girl as a "jacuzzi case."

The girl, whose intestines were sucked from her body due to a faulty wading pool drain, will be fed through an IV for the rest of her life. Her only sin? Being represented by John Edwards.
The entire list is below. Here's our personal favorite:
CARLSON: One of the leading candidates among the Democrats in 2004 is John Edwards. Smart guy, decent guy, articulate guy, doesn't have the resume in the current environment in politics, but four years [ago] he was a personal-injury lawyer specializing in Jacuzzi cases. That's not going to cut it in this environment, is it?

SHRUM: Well, first of all, he never did a case like that. And if you, by Jacuzzi, mean a young woman who had her insides sucked out by a defective pool drain, who has to for the rest of her life receive 24-hour-a-day care, and that he took that case and won that case, if that's what you're referring to, I think people in this country would like that.

CARLSON: And so you're saying -- just to make sure I understand you -- that that is the resume that he's going to run on for commander in chief in 2004?

SHRUM: No, of course not. No, I just have to correct the outrageous misstatement that you just made.  First of all, he hasn't decided whether he's running or not, number one. Number two ... he didn't do class-action cases. He defended very, very powerless people against very powerful interests for 20 years.

CARLSON: And made millions.


CARVILLE: What experience did [Bush] have, Tucker, that John Edwards didn't? You've attacked John Edwards viciously. Tell us what [Bush] had.

SHRUM: You took what was a really terrible tragedy, in which he did exactly the right thing, and tried to turn it into a joke. You ought to be spanked for that.

CARVILLE: They don't believe that babies sucked into swimming pools ought to have lawyers. That's the difference.
CARLSON: James, lighten up. Lighten up.

Seriously, lighten up. Disembowelment can fun.


Neocon VS. Decepticon (Special Mega-Sized Karl "Chaos Bringer" Rove Edition)
Poseidon himself hath strode upon the beach this morn and left for us a gift so glorious, ordinary man cannot but gaze upon and admire its beauty, never touching, lest he be reduced to smoldering mounds of ash.
The following is a (mostly) weekly feature which pits the leaders of Washington's "new conservative" movement against Cybertron's most feared villains. Remember: Your vote matters! 

Name: Karl Rove
Title: Assistant to the President and Senior Advisor to the President 
Transforms Into A Massive Cannon (And Used To Be Megatron, But Now Isn't): No -- and Rove continues to insist that the F-18, which carried President Bush to the USS Lincoln in May of 2003, was not him in robot form, but was, in fact, Starscream.

Defining Moment: Too numerous to mention; however, we present to you these feats three:   
1) In 1970, he sneaked into the campaign office of Illinois Democrat Alan Dixon and stole some letterhead. He printed fliers on the letterhead promising "free beer, free food, girls and a good time for nothing" and distributed the fliers at rock concerts and homeless shelters. Admitting to the incident much later, Rove said, "I was nineteen and I got involved in a political prank."
2) In early 2000, during the Republican primary, Senator John McCain led George W. Bush in the race for the Republican presidential nomination and won several state primaries. A whisper campaign was allegedly launched against McCain: telemarketers were allegedly hired to call voters in South Carolina, claiming that McCain was mentally unstable due to torture he had endured as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, and that he had fathered an illegitimate child with a black woman. These allegations had no basis in fact. A reporter, Wayne Slater, suggested in print that Rove might be behind the whisper campaign. Rove denied any involvement. McCain's support subsequently dwindled, and Bush won the nomination. (There were other factors in that primary contest as well, including a long exchange of negative television advertisements between the two candidates.)
3) Has been given the pet name"turd blossom," by George W. Bush.
Famous Quote:  "We will fuck him. Do you hear me? We will fuck him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever fucked him [emphasis in original text]!"

Name: Galvatron

Title: Decepticon Leader

Transforms Into A Massive Cannon (And Used To Be Megatron, But Now Isn't): Indeed
Defining Moment: Galvatron regained control of the Decepticons after incinerating interim-leader Starscream.

Famous Quote: "First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, now you.  It's a pity you Autobots die so easy, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now."  

Collect them all! Trade with your friends!
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Elliot Abrams
David Frum
John Ashcroft
Scooter Libby
R. James Woolsey
Newt Gingrich 


Friday, July 23, 2004

You Say "Jacuzzi Case," I Say "Disembowelment"
EW.com has yet to post the text of this article, so I'm transcribing, but here's TV critic Ken Tucker on Crossfire host Tucker Carlson.
Carlson, however, is a different matter. He's a real creep. On the July 5 edition, he inisinuated that John Edwards made his name as a trial lawyer by "specializing in Jacuzzi cases." This was an allusion to the horrific disembowelment of a young girl who'd been sucked into an open swimming-pool drain. When informed of the facts behind his cruel phrasing, he snapped, "Oh, I know. I've heard that," and then pressed the point that Edwards took money for getting the girl a $25 million settlement. Carlson is a quicker debater than any of the Crossfire hosts, and he's a good-looking twerp. But he's got cold, dead eyes that seem to match his heart. He's a prime example of the Triumph of the Telegenic. Recently rewarded with his own show on the now-utterly-soulless PBS, Carlson can spew his bile all over the tube. It's gonna take more than a tepid parody show like Crossballs to cut a putrid pundit like him down to size.
That sounds about right.


Church And State
There's nothing troubling about this at all.

Apparently undeterred by condemnation from religious and lay people of a recent Bush-Cheney appeal to Pennsylvania congregations to help Bush get re-elected, Republicans now want Catholics to invade the privacy of their friends and neighbors by sneaking copies of their parish directories to the RNC.
"The Republican National Committee has asked Bush-backing Roman Catholics to provide copies of their parish directories to help register Catholics to vote in the November election, a use of personal information not necessarily condoned by dioceses around the country."

"In a story posted Thursday on its Web site, the National Catholic Reporter said a GOP official had urged people who attended a Catholic outreach event in January to provide parish directories and membership lists to the political party."

"'Access to these directories is critical as it allows us to identify and contact those Catholics who are likely to be supportive of President Bush's compassionate conservative agenda,'' wrote Martin J. Gillespie, director of Catholic Outreach at the RNC. 'Please forward any directories you are able to collect to my attention.'''

" ... Parish directories often contain personal information about church members, including names of family members, home addresses and phone numbers. Iverson said she did not know if the GOP had sought similar directories from other religious organizations or how many Catholic directories it received in response to Gillespie's request."

Reached for comment at his vacation home in Martha's Vineyard, Christ had this to say:
Render unto Caeser is so B.C. I mean, this is the new Christ. In '04 I'm all about not killing babies and making sure queers can't marry. Outside of that, ignore everything I've ever said. The death penalty? I'm totally for it now. And all that crap about it being hard for a rich man to get heaven? Please, it's out the door. You know who likes tax cuts? My Dad. You know who else likes them? Me. You feel me? I'm trying to push Jordans on my new Range Rover. This is the new JC! Bush/Cheney '04 y'all!
Following his statement, Christ proceeded to give the Rocafella "dynasty" sign and ascend to Heaven.   


Thursday, July 22, 2004

Living History
Via Altercation, a 9-11 commission timeline.

1. Unsupported by the Bush administration, acceptance of the investigation was forced by grieving family members of individuals that lost their lives to the horror of 9/11.

2. Bush, in an attempt to sandbag the process, names Henry Kissinger to lead the commission. 

3. Family members counter the Bush administration's attempts to sandbag by pushing for disclosures from Kissinger on his clients that leads to his resignation.

4. The Bush administration plays politics with the commission's deadlines, before giving in to the committee's request for more time.

5. The Bush administration claims Executive Privilege in an attempt to keep Rice, Cheney and Bush from testifying.

6. The administration gives in to public pressure and allows Rice to testify under oath.  Rice's testimony leads to the most memorable soundbite of the hearings: Bush had been given a report on August 6, 2001, entitled, "Bin Laden Determined To Attack Inside The United Sates."

7. Rice's public statement that no one ever imagined terrorists using planes as weapons is contradicted by Louis Freeh's testimony that the use of planes as a potential weapon for a terrorist attack was known.

8. The administration gives in to public pressure and allows Bush and Cheney to meet with the commission privately.  Bush becomes the target of late night talk show barbs for needing to have Cheney with him when he testifies.

9. Bush and Cheney, in the face of evidence to the contrary, continue to spin that intelligence warnings indicated al-Qaeda attacks would be overseas and not here in the U.S.

10. Bush accepts George Tenet's resignation.

11. Despite an Interim Report from the commission that states no evidence was found linking Iraq to the 9/11 attacks, Cheney continues to publicly link al-Qaeda and Iraq. 

12. The commission rebukes Cheney's public comments that he probably had more facts than the commission on the al-Qaeda links to Iraq by offering Cheney an opportunity to provide them with that information Cheney provides no such information.

13. Early reports indicate that the commission will tie Iran to al-Qaeda.  Iran had much to gain from the removal of Saddam and his secular government.


Before And After
Just a quick check of pre and post power-transfer casualty totals. Remember, according to the liberal New York Times --
In Iraq, the transfer of sovereignty has led to some reduction in American casualties.
In the 25 days before the transfer, 37 American soldiers were killed; in the 25 days after, the number of soldiers lost stands at 51. 
That's quite a reduction. I'm sure the families of the 14 additional soldiers killed since the transfer will be happy to hear about it.


Commissioners Gorton and Gorelick shed some light on what effect, if any, Sandy Berger's sloppiness had on their report.
From Lou Dobbs Tonight:
LOU DOBBS: Let me ask you, not necessarily directly on point, but certainly related. Sandy Berger, the former head of the national security -- national security adviser under the Clinton administration, accused of, and admitting taking classified documents from the National Archives, those notes, whether copies or originals still unclear. Did the commission review that material, to what -- can you shed any light on what happened there? Slade Gorton, first.
SLADE GORTON: Well, we can't shed any light on exactly what happened there and on Sandy Berger's troubles with the Justice Department and the Archives. What we can say unequivocally is we had all of that information. We have every one of those documents. All of them have -- are infused in and are a part of our report.
DOBBS: So the commission was denied no information as a result of whatever Sandy Berger did or did not do at the National Archives?
GORTON: That's precisely correct.
JAMIE GORELICK: And we have been so assured by the Justice Department.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Douchebags R Us
From "Glenntabulous" Glenn Reynolds:

"An upcoming report will contain 'a good deal of new information' backing up the Bush administration's contention that Saddam Hussein pursued weapons of mass destruction, Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman John Warner, R-Va., said Tuesday."

The report will be out in September. Some people will question its timing.

Do you know what else will happen September, professor? The number of US soldiers killed in Iraq most likely will pass 1000. Some people will simply ignore it; others, like yourself, will wonder why the media pays so much attention to dead Americans when, somewhere in Baghdad, a school was repainted at some point.
P.S. I know I'm part of the "east coast elite," but here in Maryland, we stopped wearing the "sports coat and jeans" look around the same time people stopped drinking Crystal Pepsi.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Best. Preview. Ever.
Via Ain't It Cool News, comes what sounds like the definitive description of the Batman Begins trailer. According to AICN, there is still a chance that it will be attached to the god-awful Catwoman film; otherwise, it should debut at the San Diego Comic Convention next week.
Join me in officially losing your mind:
The silvery warners Logo appears (like the Harry Potter one)
(Christian Bale's voice narrates the trailer in a raspy, low voice)

* "They told me there was nothing out there"

A low angle shot tracking in front of a bleak rainswept wayne manor. It appears to be a wake. A few people mill about with black umbrellas.

*"they told me there was nothing to fear"

Shot of Alfred (caine) with an umbrella, standing in the rain with a young Bruce next to him.
* Low angle shot looking up from the bottom of a well

- A silhouetted young boy falls through the boarded up opening, he drops down towards the camera, debris flying about him.

* back to close up of small boy in the rain next to Alfred.

"but the night my parents were murdered i caught a glimpse of something..."

*flash cut to a terrified young Bruce cowering in terror, he is partially splattered in blood..
*"....I've looked for it ever since" - an adult Bruce walks slowly along a rainy dock looking out over the ocean. Fades out.

*shot of a rugged iceland mountain range.

*bruce's lonely figure climbs to the top of a snowy mountain range and begins to walk down the other side towards a lonely settlement.
*"I went around the world....searched in all the shadows"

In the barren, icey tundra Bruce enters what looks like a tibetan village, it's desolate, run down, delapidated...

*"and there is something out there in the darkness".

In a blizzard, Bruce climbs a stone stairway to a hilltop monastery.

*"something terrifying..."

Bruce enters the monastery in a shot similar to Aragorn entering King Theodan's keep at Helm's deep in The Two Towers - pushing two massive doors open, light shafts in etc...

*"...that will not stop until it gets revenge"
A feral looking Bruce sits in a dungeon like room, he's dishevelled, dirty.

A shadowy figure moves towards him - we do not see it's face - Bruce's head snaps around to see the assailant - the music climaxes - cut to black -there is a long pause...

*shot of Christian Bale's face , he says: "me"
There is a flash frame of the picture we've already seen - a brooding, costumed Batman in dramatic lighting -cuts to black - out of the blackness comes the rust coloured, revamped bat logo - no title - it says "summer 2005'"

If Summer 2005 arrives tommorow it's not soon enough.


Kitchen Fresh Chicken
Why I'm a vegetarian, part 476:

An animal rights group involved in a long legal dispute with Kentucky Fried Chicken about the treatment of the 700 million chickens it buys each year was to release a videotape yesterday showing slaughterhouse workers for one of its suppliers jumping up and down on live chickens, drop-kicking them like footballs and slamming them into walls, apparently for fun.
Prominent veterinarians, including those on the company's animal-welfare advisory board, called for shutting down the plant and dismissing or prosecuting its managers. Ian Duncan, an animal and poultry science professor at the University of Guelph in Ontario, who is a KFC adviser, said the tape "contains some of the worst scenes of animal cruelty that I have ever witnessed."

A Pilgrim's Pride spokesman said the company had an anonymous report about poultry mistreatment at the plant in April and had made it clear to its workers that "any such behavior would result in immediate termination." In light of the tape, the company said, it will reopen its investigation.

The undercover investigator, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he feared retaliation and still does undercover work for the group, said he saw "hundreds" of acts of cruelty, including workers tearing beaks off, ripping a bird's head off to write graffiti in blood, spitting tobacco juice into birds' mouths, plucking feathers to "make it snow," suffocating a chicken by tying a latex glove over its head and squeezing them like balloons in order to spary feces at other birds.


Monday, July 19, 2004

Mail Time!
Working off a link from Roger Ailes, things fall apart has composed this letter to MSNBC.
This is Frank Luntz being introduced by Chris Matthews on the July 6 episode of Hardball.
CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Pollster Frank Luntz has been gauging public opinion in one of his focus groups, and he is here to talk about how Edwards is being perceived by the American people. 
In addition, this how Luntz is described on his MSNBC bio:
Luntz is one of the most honored communication professionals in America today and has written, supervised, and conducted more than 500 surveys, focus groups and instant response sessions for corporate and public affairs clients in eight countries since forming his company in 1992.
No where is it mentioned that Luntz is a fiercely partisan, and very active, member of the Republican party. One can only surmise that MSNBC was unaware of this fact; therefore, this article in today's Washington Post must have come as quite a surprise to those in charge of making decisions at the network.
The invitation from GOP pollster Frank Luntz read "My Fifth Annual Baseball All-Star Party" -- and the rookies who RSVPed "Yes" believed they'd be watching a baseball game. Ha!

A life-size Bill Clinton doll in an "Addams Family" electric chair greeted guests Tuesday at the entrance of Luntz's Fairfax County home.

That Luntz finds the idea of Bill Clinton being electrocuted amusing certainly speaks to his character, and is most likely a subject that the Secret Service will further investigate. 
However, just as important and more disturbing, is that a man who fantasizes about killing a former president represents MSNBC. Had Keith Olberman or Lawrence O'Donnel hosted a Democratic fundraiser featuring a George W. Bush doll in an electric chair, the deluge of e-mail from outraged conservatives would crash the MSNBC server. Therefore, it is with the utmost sincerity that I demand MSNBC terminate any business relationship with Frank Luntz, post haste. 
Chris Taylor 
Proprietor, things fall apart  


Safety Dance
How can members of the Iraqi interim government be expected to provide security for their entire country when they continuously prove to be incapable of providing security for themselves?
From CNN:
In a separate attack Monday in the northern city of Mosul, Laith Hussein Ali, a member of the Turkman National Front, was assassinated in a drive-by shooting in the Al-Arabi district, a local police colonel said.
The colonel said gunmen opened fire on Ali's car, killing him instantly and wounding two passengers, including his 7-year-old son.

The Turkman National Front is an ethnic umbrella group comprising a number of Turkmen political parties and Turkman groups.
A second assassination reported Monday was a Sunday night drive-by shooting in Baghdad. Issam Jassem Qassim Al-Dijali, the director general of the management department, was killed near his home in the Al-Saydia'a district, according to Radhi Sa'eed, deputy director of media operations in the Ministry of Defense.

The attacks are the latest in a string of violent acts in Iraq as insurgents target authorities for their links to the U.S.-backed government.


Stamp This
I awoke this morning to discover that Blogger's "Time Stamp" program had accomplished something of a feat, placing yesterday's post all the way back on June 25.
Luckily, I was able to remedy the problem and all is once again right in the world.
Or at least on this dopey blog.


Sunday, July 18, 2004

Neocon VS. Decepticon
Mighty Zeus hath descended Mount Olympus to bestow upon us his wondrous creations once again... 
The following is a (mostly) weekly feature which pits the leaders of Washington's "new conservative" movement against Cybertron's most feared villains. Remember: Your vote matters!
Name: Newt Gingrich
Title: Reputed to be a member of the Council on Foreign Relations; former Speaker of the House of Representatives
Transforms Into A Crazy Ass, Giant Laser Gun: Maybe some form of regular-sized Confederate musket, but not a giant laser gun.
Defining Moment: In 1999, it was revealed that the married Gingrich, a major critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, had spent the past six years sleeping with a congressional staffer 23 years his junior; the former House speaker soon after divorced his wife of 18 years via phone call.  
Famous Quote: referring to the Clinton-Lewinsky affair, "I will never again, as long as I am speaker, make a speech without commenting on this topic."

Name: Shockwave
Title: Military Operations Commander
Transformers Into A Crazy Ass, Giant Laser Gun: Yes
Defining Moment: When Megatron and the Decepticons left for Earth, Shockwave was placed in control of Cybertron.
Famous Quote: "Your reasoning is highly illogical."
Collect them all! Trade with your friends!
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Elliot Abrams
David Frum
John Ashcroft
Scooter Libby
R. James Woolsey