Saturday, September 18, 2004

"Pac Man" Jones Can Lick My Power Pellets

You're still a bunch of inbred hicks.

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (AP) -- Rasheed Marshall has struggled throughout his career against Maryland. That didn't change Saturday -- until it mattered most.

Marshall threw a 7-yard touchdown pass to Chris Henry in overtime to lift West Virginia (No. 8 ESPN/USAToday; No. 7 AP) to a 19-16 victory over Maryland (No. 19 ESPN/USAToday; No. 21 AP).

West Virginia moved to 3-0 for the first time since 1996.

"People say we should not be a Top 10 team because the Big East is a weak conference," Marshall said. "Well, the Big East is not this team."

With John Denver's "Country Roads" playing over the stadium loudspeakers, the Mountaineer players stayed on the field for several minutes to celebrate their first win over Maryland in five tries.

Three things:

a) That last paragraph makes me sick.

b) Joel "Ohhhhhhh you had to be a beeeeg shot, did'n-cha?" Statham is the worst quaterback in recorded history. (There are guys in cave drawings with better lines than 9-20, 1TD and 3 interceptions. And they were playing against sabretooth tigers.)

c) MD beat the spread, meaning guest-columnist Dr. Doom is 1-0 in his Latverian Leadpipe Locks thus far.


Queer Eye For The Mentally Challenged Guy

Via Atrios, who got it from The General, greater heights of hilarity and ignorance have never been reached. It's flat out ignor-larious.

JIMMY SWAGGART: I'm trying to find the correct name for it ... this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. ... I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died.

And as a bonus, you can even listen (minute 36, I believe) to these Christly words of wisdom.


Friday, September 17, 2004

Walking The Line
with Dr. Victor Von Doom

"So you would deign to know the secrets of Doom. Very well, it is good that you would read of the majesty and power of Doom; the rabble must always glean knowledge from their betters. Take care that you dare not to use the knowledge enclosed in these pages against our person. To do so would invoke the wrath of Doom, and such a thing should not be invited lightly." -- Dr. Victor Von Doom

If there is one thing Doom enjoys almost as much as lording over a small Eastern European country, it is trapping the accursed Fantastic Four in a small, 8X12 airtight room and filling it with molten lava.
However, were Doom to name two things he enjoys almost as much as ruling over his homeland of Latveria, the second would be American football. And so it is that I, Dr. Victor Von Doom, have procured a weekly column on this insolent blog, which I shall use to bring you, the insolent public, my patented Latverian Lead Pipe Locks.

Your eyes deceive you not, accursed reader, for truly is Doom about to display a knowledge of sporting prognostication that comes only from a youth spent wandering the Balkan mountain ranges of Europe with a nomadic band of gypsies.

However, before Doom shares this knowledge -- which could have been plucked directly from the voluminous brain of God himself -- know this: Doom's Latverian Lead Pipe Locks are meant strictly for entertainment purposes. Gambling, insolent fools, is illegal.

Now on with the show.


Tampa Bay's offense calls to mind the time Doom dumped a cement mixer on Iron Man. Try as he might, the metal-clad avenger could move at no faster a pace than the common garden-slug. Such were the Buccaneers last week versus the Redskins, gaining a meager 30 yards rushing and a miserable 169 yards overall. While the Bucs will put forth a less anemic offensive effort against the Seahawks, Doom still likes Seattle giving the points.


When the dust settles, one of these teams will be winless. Though Doom knows not upon which squad of gladiators the shameful title of 0-2 shall hang, Doom does know that the Raiders will not defeat the Bills by more than a field goal -- take Buffalo with the points.


The Ravens are favored over the Steelers by more points than they actually scored last week -- this strikes Doom as absurd. The Ravens are riddled with more injuries than the accursed Fantastic Four after battling Doom a top a gigantic meteor hurtling toward Earth at unimaginable speeds. Furthermore, until last season the Steelers were undefeated on the Ravens' homefield -- and though the Ravens did finally defeat Pittsburgh in the regular-season finale, it was by a mere fieldgoal in overtime. Doom likes Pittsburgh to win outright, but he loves the idea of playing it safe and taking them to cover.



Doom sees this as the most confusing line of the week, given that Maryland has won their past three meetings with West Virginia by a combined score of 123 - 31. Furthermore, Mountaineers running back KJ Harris and back-up Bryan Wright are both questionable to start on Saturday -- plus Doom loves Maryland WR Steve Souter against the West Virginia defense. His propensity for dodging tackles reminds Doom of himself as a youngster -- running here and there, ducking rocks thrown by the gypsy-hating natives in the hills of Yugoslavia. Take Maryland with the points. Doom would stake your life on it.


Transform And Poll Out

Oh God that's clever. Seriously.

Via No More Mister Nice Blog, let's take a look at some of the latest polls. What's wrong with this picture?

(Hint: one of these things is not like the other.)

Gallup: 54 Bush 40 Kerry
Pew: 46 Bush 46 Kerry
ARG: 45 Bush 46 Kerry
Harris: 47 Bush 48 Kerry

Funny right? Especially because back in 2000, Gallup had Bush up by a similar margin just two weeks before Election Day.

And we all know how accurate that turned out to be.


Thursday, September 16, 2004

"This President Has Created More Excuses Than Jobs.''


DETROIT - Intensifying his attack on President Bush's economic stewardship, Sen. John Kerry on Wednesday accused the president of not acknowledging policy mistakes the Democrat said had resulted in lost jobs, a rise in the number of people without health insurance and falling incomes.

Coining a phrase for a speech before the Detroit Economic Club, Kerry said of his opponent, ''His is the excuse presidency: never wrong, never responsible, never to blame.

''President's Bush desk isn't where the buck stops - it's where the blame begins,'' Kerry added. ''He's blamed just about everyone but himself and his administration for America's economic problems.''

To support that claim, Kerry ticked off a series of bad economic data from the past four years that he laid at Bush's feet - the loss of more than a million jobs, 5 million more people lacking health insurance than when Bush took office and a decline in average family income.

The Kerry team has been tossing catchphrases at the wall for awhile now; the "excuse presidency" may actually stick. It's memorable, it stings and it can be adapted to fit issue outside of the economy, including Iraq. .


If It Looks Like A Duck, And It Quacks Like A Duck...

It's probably an illegal war.

In an interview with the BBC, Kofi Annan says he agrees with the Pope.

BBC: "So you don't think there was legal authority for the war."

MR. ANNAN: "I have made it clear, I have stated clearly, that it was not in conformity with the UN Charter."

BBC: "It was illegal."

MR. ANNAN: "Yes, if you wish."

BBC: "It was illegal."

MR ANNAN: "Yes, I've indicated that it was not in conformity with the UN Charter. From our point of view, from the charter point of view, it was illegal."


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Forged In The Fires Beneath Mt. Doom

Could the story surrounding the allegedly-forged Bush memos get any more surreal?

You bet it could -- this is the headline of an article in today's Dallas Morning News.


And it gets better.

The former secretary for the Texas Air National Guard officer who supposedly wrote memos critical of President Bush's Guard service said Tuesday that the documents are fake but that they reflect documents that once existed.

The saga continues...


We Get Jokes

I know of a certain group of gentlemen that would refer to this joke as shrill.

Especially considering it comes from the usually tepid Jay Leno.

"There are now a lot of questions about the authenticity of these memos shown on '60 Minutes' about President Bush and his service in the National Guard. Let me tell you something, if there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a president who really didn't win the election being brought down by phony documents."


Tuesday, September 14, 2004


"DOOM will not accept being re-imagined as some sort of
super-powered rogue industrialist in what is looking to be another substandard picturola staring the accursed Fantastic Four. Doctor Victor Von Doom is an evil, yet tragic figure -- not unlike those found in the works of Shakespeare -- he is not simply bombarded by cosmic rays alongside the accursed Fantastic Four, his hatred for Richards runs deeper than that! Beware 20th Century Fox -- DOOM is not pleased!"


Fun With Forgery

Now wait a minute, am I expected to believe that a major news organization did a more objective analysis than a bunch of conservative websites?


CBS News last night aired a second defense of Thursday's "60 Minutes II" report that relied on documentation of President George W. Bush's record in the National Guard, which numerous critics later charged had been forged.

Those documents were purported to have been written by Bush's Air National Guard commander, Jerry Killian, now deceased, claiming among other things that he felt under pressure to "sugarcoat" the record of Bush, who had also failed to take a required physical exam.

The report set off an immediate firestorm, with a wide range of critics insisting the typeface of the documents didn't conform to existing technology in 1972, when they were presumed to have been written.


Bill Glennon, a consultant, told CBS the critics' charges were "totally false" and that some of the disputed typefaces in the documents, such as superscripts - the smaller "th" that appears slightly above a number - or proportional spacing were indeed available. It was unclear whether Glennon - who was quoted in other news stories last week - had consulted CBS on the original piece.

The network also quoted Richard Katz, identified as a software designer, who claimed that the letter "L" was used in the documents in lieu of the numeral "1." The network claimed Katz told them "that would be difficult to reproduce on a computer today."

Unfortunately for CBS, the RNC produced this footage of John Kerry -- caught off-guard by a reporter's question yesterday as he lunched on a light spread of babies and fresh fruit.

John Kerry

"No, you're right, forcing Father Of The Pride upon NBC's Tuesday night lineup is part of my diabolical plan to plunge the country into a new era of immorality and sin. What? The Bush military documents? Oh yeah, of course I forged them. It was like sometime last week. I was in the middle of eating some really delicious babies and all of the sudden I was like -- 'You know what would be a gas? If I went into Microsoft Word and typed up some fake military documents using the letter L in lieu of the numeral 1.' -- you know, because it's supposedly so hard to do and everything. So anyway, I whip them up in about five minutes and ship them out to CBS and before you know it, they're all over 60 Minutes. The craziest thing, though, is that I probably would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those clever conservative teens and their blasted little website. I know, right? -- wait a minute. You're taping this?"

UPDATE: The Washington Post says the Bush papers are likely forged. This whole episode is absurd; to quote Atrios quoting Rob Cordry of the Daily Show, "What difference does it make how well he avoided combat? Isn't it enough just to know he avoided it?" The whole thing could be settled if someone would just pick up on my above scoop.

UPDATE II: In typical liberal fashion, Matt Yglesias is ignoring the Kerry comments and focusing only on the purposefully vague Post story.

UPDATE III: It's like watching lemmings walk off a cliff, as Jesse Taylor of Pandagon -- following the same liberal methodology as Matthew Yglesias -- chooses to completely ignore the now-obvious link between Kerry and the forged documents.


W '04 -- Because Sometimes "Grassroots" Really Means "Strong Arm"

So not only can support for John Kerry result in
terrorist attacks, it can also cost you your job.

MOULTON — Lynne Gobbell never imagined the cost of a John Kerry-John Edwards bumper sticker could run so high.

Gobbell of Moulton didn't pay a cent for the sticker that she proudly displays on the rear windshield of her Chevrolet Lumina, but said it cost her job at a local factory after it angered her boss, Phil Gaddis.

Gaddis, a Decatur bankruptcy attorney, owns Enviromate, a cellulose insulation company in Moulton.


Though she is unemployed and uncertain if she will get her job back, Gobbell said, she doesn't regret her decision to keep the sticker on her windshield.

"I would like to find another job, but I would take that job back because I need to work," she said. "It upset me and made me mad that he could put a letter in my check expressing his (political) opinion, but I can't put something on my car expressing mine."

She was referring to a flier that she said Gaddis placed in employee envelopes to remind them of the positive impact that President Bush's policies have had on them. An employee at the plant who would not identify himself confirmed the contents of the letter.

Gobbell provided a copy of the flier. It says:

"Just so you will know, because of the Bush tax (cut):
I was able to buy the new Hammer Mill
I was able to finance our receivables
I was able to get the new CAT skid steer
I was able to get the wire cutter
I was able to give you a job"

It further says:

"You got the benefit of the Bush tax cut. Everyone did."


NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Most Americans don't believe they benefited personally from the 2003 tax cut, according to a poll conducted for Money magazine, and would have preferred the government devoted resources to job creation or deficit reduction.


Guess Who's Biz-Ack

I'm back baby!

Many thanks go out to the thousands of people who sent cards and letters; everything is fine here. After an unexpected computer crash, the Washington Bureau had to shut down for a few days to upgrade our technology.

In retrospect though, one wonders if it was even worth it, considering that our computer still can't accomplish a rudimentary task like killing Flanders.

HOMER: Now then... computer.. kill Flanders!

FLANDERS: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning!

HOMER: (whispering to mouse) That's a good start, now finish the job!

FLANDERS: Oh, you're busy. Catch you later, compu-tator!

HOMER: Oh, five thousand dollars for a computer and it can't even handle a simple assignment!