Saturday, July 10, 2004

Neocon VS. Decepticon

Friends, the highlight of your week is once again here...

The following is a (mostly) weekly feature which pits the leaders of Washington's "new conservative" movement against Cybertron's most feared villains. Remember: Your vote matters!


Name: R. James Woolsey

Title: Former Director, US Central Intelligence Agency; Vice President, Booz, Allen & Hamilton for Global Strategic Security.

Is Able To Transform From A Giant Dinosaur To A Fully Functioning City: Unconfirmed

Defining Moment: At the behest of Paul Wolfowitz, Woolsey was dispatched to the UK to investigate Laurie Mylroie's "switched identity" theeory, which postulated that Saddam Hussein had provided terrorist Ramzi Yousef with a false identity.

"Mylroie had postulated that Basit and Yousef were actually two different people and the fingerprints therefore wouldn’t match. The FBI instead has long contended that Basit and Yousef are one and the same; that Yousef is a Pakistani (and the nephew of the September 11 mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed) and not Iraqi.

Justice Department officials tell NEWSWEEK that the results of the Woolsey mission were exactly what the FBI had predicted: that the fingerprints were in fact identical."

Famous Quote: "I don't think it matters. I don't think it matters," responding to Ted Koppel's assertion that Iraq had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.


Name: Trypticon

Title: Decepticon City

Is Able To Transform From A Giant Dinosaur To A Fully Functioning City: Yes

Defining Moment: Trypticon, at the behest of Octane (possibly Paul Wolfowitz in robot form) stole a series of famous landmarks -- such as the Taj Mahal, the Kremlin and Fort Knox.

Famous Quote: "Total victory requires total destruction."

And here are your previous installments of Neocon VS. Decpeticon:
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Elliot Abrams
David Frum
John Ashcroft
"Scooter" Libby


Friday, July 09, 2004


UPDATE: The things fall apart Terror Alert Level has been lowered from KING TUT/HIGH to:


Please remain vigilant as you go about your daily business.


Disappearing Act

Everyone has this by now, but I saw it first at The Poor Man.

From the NY Times:

HOUSTON, July 8 - Military records that could help establish President Bush's whereabouts during his disputed service in the Texas Air National Guard more than 30 years ago have been inadvertently destroyed, according to the Pentagon.

It said the payroll records of "numerous service members," including former First Lt. Bush, had been ruined in 1996 and 1997 by the Defense Finance and Accounting Service during a project to salvage deteriorating microfilm. No back-up paper copies could be found, it added in notices dated June 25.

Trust me, the vanishing papers are only the tip of the iceberg -- in the Bush family portrait, Jeb's head has begun to disappear! And if Uncle Dick doesn't fix the Delorean soon, Barbara Bush will wind up marrying a pirate and Junior's military papers will remain lost in 1876 forever!

"Roads? Where we're going Jeb, we don't need roads."

UPDATE: Some of you may be saying, "Hasn't this happened before?" The answer is, you bet it has. It is it for that reason, we introduce THE BACK TO THE FUTURE THEORY (or BTTF Theory to savvy insiders) to the things fall apart lexicon. The BTTF Theory refers to anything that WAS provable (ex: Junior's Air National Guard service, the existence of WMD in Iraq) but has since been rendered unprovable, due to nefarious forces tampering with the time stream.

The culprits? Probably unscrupulous democrats like Tom Daschle, or worse -- Micheal Moore. But you better believe that Junior and Uncle Dick will have Iraq, circa March 2003, back to the way it was meant to be: poised to unleash global destruction unseen since biblical times.


Thursday, July 08, 2004

Extra!!! Extra!!!

UPDATE: From our Washington Bureau -- In response to the latest report from Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, the things fall apart Terror Alert Chart (which also served as the Tantrum Alert Chart for ASmallVictory.net.) has been changed.

The new system, based in advanced calculus and theory of villains from the old Batman TV program, is as follows:


EGGHEAD -- Severe
KING TUT -- High
BOOKWORM -- Elevated
MA PARKER -- Guarded

Your current Terror Alert Level is: KING TUT/High

We urge citizens to stay alert but calm.


Quiet, Or You'll Wake The Insurgency

As CNN's Jack Cafferty and the Washington Post have recently told us, things in Iraq have been positively calm since the June 28th power transfer. In fact, things are so quiet, you could hear a pin drop in Samarra.

Insurgents fired mortar rounds at an Iraqi National Guard headquarters in the city of Samarra on Thursday, killing four U.S. soldiers and one Iraqi guardsman, the military said. A fifth U.S. soldier was unaccounted for and 20 were wounded.

In the 11 days since the power transfer, 24 US soldiers have been killed; in the 11 days prior, 20 soldiers were lost.



Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Tracking Trailers

This is fantastic news:

The original source that told us the first teaser trailer for BATMAN BEGINS would possibly play with prints of I, ROBOT has returned and provided us hard proof of their claims. We have seen the evidence ourselves that Warner Bros. has struck a deal with 20th Century Fox to ship the trailer for BATMAN BEGINS with prints of Fox's I, ROBOT to theaters across the continent. I, ROBOT will begin its theatrical run on July 16, and that will also be the same day that the trailer for BATMAN BEGINS will be seen.

PREDICTION: There is an approximately 1-100 chance I will NOT go insane over the following year, due to crazed anticipation of what is sure to be the pinnacle of human achievement on Earth.


Fun With Transcripts

From today's American Morning on CNN:

BILL HEMMER: Well, the White House would say the evidence is in Zarqawi, still operating in Iraq today with al Qaeda links there.

SEN. CARL LEVIN (D - MI): The Zarqawi links, however, to Saddam Hussein are very nebulous.

Now, here's Cliff May misstating the Senator's statements, only moments later.

CLIFF MAY, FORMER RNC COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR: As for Zarqawi, you are absolutely right. To say that well, it's nebulous, the connections between Zarqawi and al Qaeda, [emphasis added] look, al Qaeda is not the kind of organization that applies for 501(c)3 status. They don't sign treaties and contracts. What we know is this is an ideology we're up against. Zarqawi represents it. He was in Iraq at the invitation of Saddam Hussein before the invasion.

Saddam, al Qaeda, whatever. It's all the same when you're shilling for the Bush administration. Just for kicks, let's see what the conservative Weekly Standard has to say about the evil Zarqawi/al Qaeda/Hussein triangle.

Zarqawi was first thrust into the global media spotlight in February 2003, before the U.S. invasion of Iraq, when Secretary of State Colin Powell at the U.N. called him an "associate and collaborator" of bin Laden and part of a "sinister nexus between Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network." Zarqawi, however, is not Osama's man, and still less was he Saddam's.


PROBABLY THE MURKIEST and most intriguing feature of this man of many mysteries is the question of Zarqawi's relations with Osama bin Laden. Though he met with bin Laden in Afghanistan several times, the Jordanian never joined al Qaeda. Militants have explained that Tawhid was "especially for Jordanians who did not want to join al Qaeda." A confessed Tawhid member even told his interrogators that Zarqawi was "against al Qaeda." Shortly after 9/11, a fleeing Ramzi bin al-Shibh, one of the main plotters of the attacks, appealed to Tawhid operatives for a forged visa. He could not come up with ready cash. Told that he did not belong to Tawhid, he was sent packing and eventually into the arms of the Americans.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Jack, Off?

Is CNN's Jack Cafferty a conservative stooge or merely a preening ignoramus?

My bet is a little bit of both. Watch Cafferty here as he studiously recites the latest Republican talking points, word for word. And as a bonus, rejoice as "Milhouse" Hemmer agrees with the entire thing.

CAFFERTY: The economy's picking up a little bit. The war in Iraq has quieted some since they handed over sovereignty to the Iraqi government a few days ago. If things improve in Iraq and the economy continues to recover, Kerry's got an uphill struggle. If either of those things goes the other way, the undecided voters may have reason to make up their mind.

HEMMER: So true.

The families of the seven marines killed in Iraq over the past 48 hours will be happy to hear that things have quieted down. 17 soldiers have now died in the nine days since sovereignty was transferred to the Iraqi government; in the nine days prior to the transfer, 17 soldiers were also killed.

As for the economy, this is from a source Mr. Cafferty may be familiar with - his employer.

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Growth in the U.S. services sector slowed dramatically in June, the nation's purchasing managers reported Tuesday, coming in below the previous month's reading and well shy of economists' forecasts.

The Institute for Supply Management said its services index fell to 59.9 in June, down from May's reading of 65.2, and below Wall Street's expectations for a reading of 63.0, according to Briefing.com.

A reading above 50 indicates expansion in the sector, while a reading below signals contraction.

The ISM report is the latest indicator to point to a cooling U.S. economy.


Who You Wit?

Apparently the answer is John Edwards.

Sen. John F. Kerry has selected Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina as his vice presidential running mate, a Democratic source said early today.

Kerry informed Edwards of the decision in brief telephone call this morning and will make the public announcement at a rally in downtown Pittsburgh later this morning. The news also was released on Kerry's web site. The two will campaign together later today and this week.

Kerry and Edwards will team up against President Bush and Vice President Cheney in an election that already is one of the most intensive and negative in recent memory. Polls show Kerry and Bush running roughly even at this stage.

Dough to get
More shows to rip
I suggest you all roll with the clique
Who you wit?


Monday, July 05, 2004

Neocon VS. Decepticon

Friends, He hath descended from the right hand of the father and blessed us again...

The following is a (mostly) weekly feature which pits the leaders of Washington's "new conservative" movement against Cybertron's most feared villains. Remember: Your vote matters!


Name: I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby

Title: Assistant to the President, Chief of Staff to Vice President Cheney.

Transforms Into A Tank AND A Jet: Possibly a tank, but certainly not a jet.

Defining Moment: Libby is among those suspected of leaking Valerie Plame's status as a covert CIA operative, a crime punishable by up to 10 years in jail.

Personal Quote: Refering to his role at the Pentagon during the first Bush administration, "Shortly after I got there, we had the breakup of the Soviet Union and [the first] war with Iraq, so it turned out to be the perfect job."


Name: Blitzwing

Title: Triple-Changer

Transforms Into A Tank AND A Jet: Yes

Defining Moment: Blitzwing was part of the Decepticon raid that nearly destroyed Autobot city.

Personal Quote: "Come on down, Auto-Brat!"

And here are your previous installments of Neocon VS. Decpeticon:
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
Douglas Feith
Elliot Abrams
David Frum
John Ashcroft