Friday, September 17, 2004

Walking The Line
with Dr. Victor Von Doom

"So you would deign to know the secrets of Doom. Very well, it is good that you would read of the majesty and power of Doom; the rabble must always glean knowledge from their betters. Take care that you dare not to use the knowledge enclosed in these pages against our person. To do so would invoke the wrath of Doom, and such a thing should not be invited lightly." -- Dr. Victor Von Doom

If there is one thing Doom enjoys almost as much as lording over a small Eastern European country, it is trapping the accursed Fantastic Four in a small, 8X12 airtight room and filling it with molten lava.
However, were Doom to name two things he enjoys almost as much as ruling over his homeland of Latveria, the second would be American football. And so it is that I, Dr. Victor Von Doom, have procured a weekly column on this insolent blog, which I shall use to bring you, the insolent public, my patented Latverian Lead Pipe Locks.

Your eyes deceive you not, accursed reader, for truly is Doom about to display a knowledge of sporting prognostication that comes only from a youth spent wandering the Balkan mountain ranges of Europe with a nomadic band of gypsies.

However, before Doom shares this knowledge -- which could have been plucked directly from the voluminous brain of God himself -- know this: Doom's Latverian Lead Pipe Locks are meant strictly for entertainment purposes. Gambling, insolent fools, is illegal.

Now on with the show.


Tampa Bay's offense calls to mind the time Doom dumped a cement mixer on Iron Man. Try as he might, the metal-clad avenger could move at no faster a pace than the common garden-slug. Such were the Buccaneers last week versus the Redskins, gaining a meager 30 yards rushing and a miserable 169 yards overall. While the Bucs will put forth a less anemic offensive effort against the Seahawks, Doom still likes Seattle giving the points.


When the dust settles, one of these teams will be winless. Though Doom knows not upon which squad of gladiators the shameful title of 0-2 shall hang, Doom does know that the Raiders will not defeat the Bills by more than a field goal -- take Buffalo with the points.


The Ravens are favored over the Steelers by more points than they actually scored last week -- this strikes Doom as absurd. The Ravens are riddled with more injuries than the accursed Fantastic Four after battling Doom a top a gigantic meteor hurtling toward Earth at unimaginable speeds. Furthermore, until last season the Steelers were undefeated on the Ravens' homefield -- and though the Ravens did finally defeat Pittsburgh in the regular-season finale, it was by a mere fieldgoal in overtime. Doom likes Pittsburgh to win outright, but he loves the idea of playing it safe and taking them to cover.



Doom sees this as the most confusing line of the week, given that Maryland has won their past three meetings with West Virginia by a combined score of 123 - 31. Furthermore, Mountaineers running back KJ Harris and back-up Bryan Wright are both questionable to start on Saturday -- plus Doom loves Maryland WR Steve Souter against the West Virginia defense. His propensity for dodging tackles reminds Doom of himself as a youngster -- running here and there, ducking rocks thrown by the gypsy-hating natives in the hills of Yugoslavia. Take Maryland with the points. Doom would stake your life on it.