Thursday, February 10, 2005

GANNON: The Musical

For those of you unfamiliar with the sordid tale of Jeff Gannon, read
here then return.

First, a primer:

The links take you to relevant information about Gannon.

All parts are sung by Jeff Gannon, except:

When the chorus girls sing, it's in bold.

When the chorus girls and Jeff sing, it's in bold italics.

And the "Scottie" in question is White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan.

And now, without further ado, "Friend Like Me," sung to the tune of, uh, "Friend Like Me" from Aladdin.

Well Nixon had his Carl and Bob
And they threw Bill out to the dogs
But Scottie you're in luck, 'cause I'm just the schmuck
To steer you and Dubya through this smog
I can be your guiding light
Your buddy in a pressroom brawl
If Helen gets out of line, just give me the sign
And I'll tell them all,

Mr. Jeff Gannon, sir,
Choose a name or two or three
It's such a rush
To help George Bush
He ain't never had a friend like me
No no no

Scottie, I'm your best friend
Soon enough you'll see
Just don't reveal, my name's not real
You ain't never had a friend like me.

Yes sir, I pride myself on bias
Whether I'm Jeff
J.D. or James
I'll bow to you
Oh yes it's true!
I get all my news from Limbaugh!

Have some of Kerry's gay
Let's throw somethin' at Kennedy
J.D. is in the mood, for army dudes
But you'd never know it from Jeff G.

Can your friends do this?

GANNON AUDIO CLIP: First of all, I hope the grand jury didn't force you to turn over the wedding card I sent to you and your wife. [Laughter.]

Do your friends do that?

GANNON AUDIO CLIP: How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?

Do your friends pull this out their little hat?

GANNON AUDIO CLIP: Harry Reid was talking about soup kitchens!

Can your friends go poof!
Here’s fifty bucks
Now give me my day pass, I passed my J-Class
You ain’t never had a friend like me

So don’t you sit there slack-jawed, Scottie-boy
I know you know the plan
Hit the airwaves, Wilson’s wife is fair game!
Scottie, you’re the man
I got a powerful urge to help you out
We can do this, just you and me
We’ll take on Hillary, and then I’m sure you’ll see
You ain’t never had a friend like me

Mr. Jeff Gannon sir, choose a name or two or three
Show me a transcript, I’ll show you’ll some newsprint
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
Bush ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend like me
You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!