Saturday, October 02, 2004

Walking The Line
with Dr. Victor Von Doom

"I want that power. By right, it is mine. For ultimate power is the ultimate destiny of Doom."

Kneel in respect peasants, for Doom returns awash in the spoils of victory, gauntlets bloodied with the stain of
a 2-1 triumphant week against the spread.

His knowledge unparalleled, his skill passed down by the denizens of Mt. Olympus themselves, Doom casts a learned eye upon Week Four of the NFL regular season.

Years ago, in a display of deliciously nefarious cunning, Doom created a time machine and traveled backward to the year 0 A.D. to kidnap the Christ child. Were not for the interference of the accursed Fantastic Four, Doom would have held the Christ child ransom to his father -- God -- agreeing to release him only in exchange for control of Hell. As you are all not burning in a pit of eternal sin whilst my minions roam the Earth among the undead, you can see this did not happen. To make a long story short,
Richards broke Doom's time machine, Doom crash landed in the late Cretaceous period and then spent the better of a month inside of a Cryptoclidus. During that time, Doom pondered this long-standing truth -- the Saints are hot one week, cold the next. With the Saints coming off a big road win against the Rams -- and the Arizona Cardinals clawing for a win like Doom clawing to escape the intestinal tract of said Cryptoclidus -- take Cards and the points.

After climbing through a large hole in the stomach of the Cryptoclidus, torn painstakingly by Doom's own iron-clad fists, Doom proceeded to beat away what little life was left in the creature for it's mere assertion that the King of Latveria could be properly digested. Armor stained with his foe's blood, Doom fixed the time machine and traveled back to present day -- but not before claiming his own a creature so feared it is known to most only as winged death: the
pterodactyl. Much in the way that Doom takes anything he desires, the Miami Dolphins will take the 6 points and play well against the Jets in a hard fought game -- surprising to some, but not to Doom.

From a top the magnificent beast, Doom surveyed the streets of Manhattan in search of the accursed Fantastic Four. Upon finding them, Doom chuckled, and began to dive bomb the affronting supergroup repeatedly, until Richards and his blasted wife
Susan resembled nothing more than battered lumps of human flesh. Then, with the sub-human Thing trapped helplessly in the jaws of his pterodactyl, Doom ordered the winged reptile to the sky, all but forgetting about the accursed Human Torch.

As the great beast burnt to a crisp beneath Doom, Doom concluded that all luck is bound to run out. Take the Colts, giving four and handing the Jaguars their first loss.