Thursday, September 30, 2004

New Debate Moderator Announced

the AP.

In a surprising move Thursday, the National Debate commission announced it will be removing newsman Jim Lehrer as moderator of Thursday's debate in favor of a figure viewed by the public as more "even-handed" -- Jesus Christ.

"At some point, I think it was late last [Wednesday] night, everyone in the commission kind of looked at each other and said, 'Hey, Lehrer's an asshole, isn't he?'" Spokesman Peter James said Thursday.

"After that, it was just a matter of finding a moderator whom we felt confident the public would trust, and Christ seemed the logical answer," James added.

Reached for comment in Heaven, Christ seemed enthusiastic, but not overly excited, at the prospect of moderating the debate.

"Hey, it's something to do, right? All I had planned was to have a few Smirnoff Ices and watch 'Joey' -- you know, my usual Thursday night -- at least this is a change of pace," the Lamb of God said.

Asked why he thought he was chosen to replace Lehrer, Christ replied, "I imagine it's because everyone thinks I will be a non-partisan moderator, but to be honest, I kind of think both of these guys are douchebags."

Christ cited a virtual "laundry list" of reasons for disliking Bush -- including the Iraq War, Bush's support for the Death Penalty, and the President's general lack of compassion toward the poor -- but insisted his reasons for not liking Kerry were more "personal."

"He's a Sox fan," the Prince of Peace said. "And I hate the Redsox. It's that simple."

The Savior continued, "I know a lot of you are going to find this hard to believe, but I'm a diehard Yankees fan."

Christ pointed to the Bronx Bombers recent success as proof of his support. "Why do you think they win all the time? Me. That's why"

As to his love for the Yankees, Christ said, "It's tough to pinpoint just one thing but if I had to choose, I'd say it's the fact that Derek Jeter is totally awesome."

The Savior was tight-lipped when it came to discussing preparation for the debate, but did say he interested in learning whether President Bush had "actually read anything I said in the Bible," or if the President had "simply gleaned his knowledge from watching 'Veggie Tales.'"

"Veggie Tales" is a children's program which recreates Bible stories using animated vegetables.

When asked what he wishes to learn from John Kerry, the Savior's answer was more direct.

"Simple," he said. "Is Pedro Martinez actually retarded, or is he just a sissypants crybaby?"