Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Devil Kerry Cheats In Debates

The (excellent) Talent Show notes that the right-wing blogosphere is awash in the news that John Kerry may have brought a prohibited foreign object -- apparently a pen -- to the debate.

Using the latest in frame-by-frame technology -- available only to NASA and the things fall apart Washington Bureau -- we have isolated a moment in the debate which, in real time, occurred so quickly that it registered only subliminally with viewers.

In doing so, we have discovered that the object Kerry removed from his suit coat was not, in fact, a pen but an itinerary of some kind.

This freeze frame is taken directly after John Kerry removed the object from his suit coat. It marks the only moment in the debate in which Kerry revealed his true nature and appearance.

things fall apart was also able to transcribe the words spoken by Kerry; again, this incident happened so quickly that it was heard by viewers of the debate on only a subconscious level.

Followers of Bush and people of Earth, know this -- upon my imminent election to the post you refer to as "president," I shall bring about an age of debauchery and destruction previously unseen on this planet and every other.

Each day, my schedule shall proceed thusly:

6:00 AM -- Breakfast Scrapple and 100 mid-Western, Caucasian babies.

8:00 AM -- Bible Study The King James Bible, read aloud to the country, by none other than myself. Albeit upside and down and backward, thereby encouraging teens and 'tweens to have unprotected pre-marital sex.

10:00 AM -- Abortions Using the
Craftsman 12.0 volt Cordless EX Drill, I shall perform 3,000 unwanted, late-term abortions daily.

12:00 PM -- Lunch 300 babies of varying ethnicity.

1:00 PM -- Gay Marriage Every day, I will preside over the marriage of several thousand gays. All of whom were God-fearing, rural white-males, good at football and straight before I took office.

2:00 PM -- Disgracing The Office Like my Democratic predecessor Bill Clinton, I shall receive oral sex from an intern, simultaneously ending the universe daily and causing millions of preteens to engage in six-hour sessions of rapturous oral sex.

4:00 PM -- Snack Crudite and crackers, spread with Human Embryo and cream cheese.

5:00 PM -- French 101 [Prof. Devil John Kerry] Through the study of authentic aural, written, and visual documents in French, all Americans will develop speaking, writing, reading, listening, analytical, and interpretive skills. Americans will explore contemporary aspects of French/Francophone cultures as well as historic, literary, and artistic manifestations. Americans will contrast these with similar aspects of their own culture(s). At the end of the semester, Americans will be able to communicate successfully with native speakers of French about everyday events and share personal information.

7:00 PM -- Dinner 7,000 babies of disparate origin, peas, and a dinner roll. On Fridays, pizza boats and chips.

9:00 -- Theatre To end each evening, the nation's lone channel will broadcast a revival of "West Side Story," produced by myself and starring Hugh Jackman as Tony, and The Ghost of Dale Earnhardt Sr. as Bernardo. You will be watching.