No One Tropical Storms Like Gaston

things fall apart obviously recognizes that the trail of destruction left by Tropical Storm Gaston is no laughing matter.

However, I'd be kicking myself for weeks if I missed this opportunity (and hey, if not I'm on the fast train to hell already, this sure isn't going hasten to the process.)

LEFOU
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Gaston,
Looking so down in the dumps.
Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, Gaston,
even when taking your lumps.
There's no man in town as admired as you,
You're everyone's favorite guy.
Everyone's awed and inspired by you,
and it's not very hard to see why!

No one's slick as Gaston,
no one's quick as Gaston,
no one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's.
For there's no man in town half as manly,
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley,
and they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on.

LEFOU and BEERDRINKERS
No one's been like Gaston,
a kingpin like Gaston,
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston.

GASTON
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

LEFOU and BEERDRINKERS
My, what a guy, that Gaston!

Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip hips!"
Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips.

No one fights like Gaston,
Douses lights like Gaston,

BEERDRINKER 1
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston.

THREE BLONDES
For there's no one as burly and brawny.

GASTON As you see I've got biceps to spare.

LEFOU Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny,

GASTON That's right!
And every last inch of me's covered with hair.

BEERDRINKERS No one hits like Gaston,

OTHER BEERDRINKERS Matches wits like Gaston,

LEFOU In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston.

GASTON I'm especially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!

ALL
Ten points for Gaston!

GASTON
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
every morning to help me get large.
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
so I'm roughly the size of a barge!

ALL
No one shoots like Gaston,
Makes those beauts like Gaston.

LEFOU Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston.

GASTON I use antlers in all of my decorating!

GROUP of BEERDRINKERS Say it again!

ANOTHER GROUP of BEERDRINKERS
Who's a man among men

FIRST GROUP And let's say it once more.

SECOND GROUP Who's that hero next door?

ALL
Who's a super success?
Don't you know?
Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on.
There's just one guy in town,
Who's got all of it down!

LEFOU
And his name's
G-A-S-...T...
G-A-S-T-E...
G-A-S-T-O...
Oh!

ALL
Gaston!