Friday, February 13, 2004

Check out this absurd exchange from yesterday's Inside Politics With Judy Woodruff. It was repeated again today on CNN's Live From.

Be sure to note how Bill Schneider, even admidst this fluffy drivel, manages to take a cheap shot at Al Gore.

"WOODRUFF: The grand finale to the Westminster Kennel Club dog show was Tuesday in New York. And that got us to thinking. Are there any similarities between the highly trained canines and politicians? Especially the breed seeking to be president? Who better to ask than our senior political or canine -- or political analyst Bill Schneider -- Bill.


WILLIAM SCHNEIDER, CNN SENIOR POLITICAL ANALYST (voice-over): Want to know how to pick a winner? Look at how the Westminster Kennel Club does it. The candidates have to go out on the road so they can show their stuff. These contenders are just like politicians. They require an awful lot of care and attention. But they also have to endure a lot of close scrutiny. The judges may dress a little more formal than New Hampshire primary voters but they are no less focused.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Look at that concentration.

SCHNEIDER: Let's look at the contenders. Why there's Dennis Kucinich.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Great little dogs. They think they're a big dog.

No, they know they're a big dog.

SCHNEIDER: Everyone loves John Edwards, so friendly and good natured.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You can't say enough good things about golden retrievers. I had a great golden retriever.

SCHNEIDER: But can he win?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Never won best in show. Maybe that will change tonight.

SCHNEIDER: Now here's a very impressive candidate, John Kerry. Wonder if he's had Botox treatments? Nah.

Look! It's Al Sharpton. What has he done with his hair? How about this Dean dog?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: His heart is fearless.

SCHNEIDER: But he's had some problems.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This breed has been deliberately reduced to be a lap-size companion.

SCHNEIDER: Too bad General Wesley Clark got eliminated. He had impressive credentials.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Briard was the official dog of the French army. His intelligence, loyalty, strength and agility allowed him to keep on the move for long hours, as he keeps his flock within his gaze.

SCHNEIDER: Hey! There's Barney, President Bush's dog.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A Scottie owner must be firm enough to earn a Scottie's respect. Reasonable enough to satisfy the Scottie's strong sense of fair play. And confident enough to love a dog that openly feels superior to its owner.

SCHNEIDER: Sounds like a good dog to have in the White House.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Westminster crowns the one, the only best in show.

SCHNEIDER: OK. Who's the winner? Oh, my God, it's Al Gore.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He was here last year and didn't win.

SCHNEIDER: He certainly sounds like Al Gore.

AL GORE, FMR. VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: He betrayed this country. He played on our fears.


SCHNEIDER: The Westminster dog show may have the right idea. There are no endless debates and they get the whole thing done in a few days. Woof.

WOODRUFF: Our phones are ringing off the hook. The campaigns are calling to complain. Bill Schneider.

SCHNEIDER: I think the dog lovers might be calling.

WOODRUFF: All right, Bill Schneider, thanks. That's it for INSIDE POLITICS. We can't do any better than that. I'm Judy Woodruff. "CROSSFIRE" starts right now."

No, we didn't make this up...